HALT

Confession: I had a small breakdown yesterday afternoon. I was absolutely exhausted - I'd worked from 6pm to 10am the night before and was running on very little sleep. I'd also not had anything to eat all afternoon and didn't realize it until the hunger pangs struck in full force. I called my parents to catch up with them and promptly broke down after my dad asked me, "What's new?" A silly question to be upset over, right? Agreed. But allow me tell you what was going through my mind...

... I immediately thought, "Absolutely NOTHING is new with me! Because all I do is work, work, work!" And the combination of exhaustion, lack of sleep, lack of food and a severe lack of quiet time with Jesus all muddled together and reduced me to tears. I began to weep about my hectic work schedule and feel sorry for myself that work is all I seem to have going on at the moment. I cried to my sweet Dad (who listened to all of my blubbering and then gave some encouragement and advice which were much, much needed) and allowed exhaustion to get the best of me. I began to lament (yet again, I fear) about my singleness and lack of a significant other with whom I might walk through all of this craziness that is medical school with, and I began to compare my life to those of my friends and sisters. In that moment, it felt as if everyone's lives were moving forward and mine was stagnant. It's been easy to feel that way these past few years. Medical school is very time consuming and takes much commitment to studying and dedication to learning (obviously), and oftentimes it feels as if I have no time left in my life to do much of anything else other than work/school. In moments of weakness, self-pity and frustration over the hectic lifestyle that I lead right now easily develop and often bring tears.

Dad reminded me last night of a beautiful promise that God gave to us in His word. He told me to read Acts 19:26-28 and to remember the Lord's faithfulness and sovereignty in ALL areas of our lives. I needed only to read these verses one time through and the weight was lifted off of my heart and the self-pity melted away.

"From one man He made every nation of men, 

that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined

the times set for them and the exact places they should live. 

God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out

for Him and find Him, though He is not far from 

each one of us. For in Him we live and move and have our being." 

Acts 17:26-28

Dad also gave me the acronym HALT and reminded me that when we reach a place of emptiness and experience HALT, we are prone to Satan's advances and lies and are easily tempted to doubt His goodness. HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. The perfect storm of emotions, and I was experiencing them all yesterday. Hence, the breakdown. 

In my reading earlier this afternoon, I came across a beautiful quote by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. It fit perfectly with how I was feeling yesterday. Longfellow wrote, "Let us then be up and doing, With a heart for any fate; Still achieving, still pursuing, Learn to labor and to wait." How true and how very beautiful. My life may be extremely busy right now and may be centered currently on work/school, but this is what the Lord had planned for me from the start. We were not created to be lazy and loaf around, indulging ourselves and feeding selfish desires alone. We were created to be servants and to "work with all our heart, as if working for the Lord and not for men" (Colossians 3:23). We are also called to trust in His details and His plan - to be open to "any fate" as Longfellow put it. Acts 17 reminds us that He has already determined the exact times and places in which we might live - I am living in Mobile and dedicated to work and school at this stage in my life because that's what He's ordained. I know beyond any doubt that medical school is what the Lord has called me to do. Medicine has never been simply a career to me; it's only ever been the calling to which He's led me and I obediently followed. When I'm thinking clearly (after adding some sleep to my tank and with a full tummy and some QT spent with my Jesus), I am reminded that I'm here because it's precisely where He's put me. And my life is busy because that's what this career requires. It's peoples' lives that I will one day be responsible for, and that is a responsibility that demands much training, learning and dedication in the foreground!! 

Somedays it feels as if my life is on "pause" for right now. Sometimes I feel that all I have time for is work, and I know that residency will be even more demanding of my time. And then I begin to fret about not having enough time to meet anyone or to cultivate a relationship with them. Which leads to thoughts about how it's inevitable that I'll be single for the next three years and that puts being a mother even further out of the picture. Feelings of self-pity come flooding quickly if I allow my thoughts to wander down this path, and it's easy to feel that everyone's lives are moving forward except mine. But this is all deception from the enemy. God will accomplish His plans for my life yet - "I am God and there is no other...My counsel shall stand and I will accomplish My purpose," Isaiah 46:9-10. And His plans for my life are GLORIOUS - "No eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor heart of man conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him," 1 Corinthians 2:9. 

In times of exhaustion and when I've reached the breaking point and HALT, I need to remember to meditate more on precious truths and comforts that He's so graciously given to us in His word. "Be still and know that I am God," Psalm 46:10, is one such precious comfort. Be still, Britni, and know that your Father on high rules over the details of your life. Peace, be still...