Be Still and Know...

"Be still, and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

I had a meeting with my pastor back in December after he saw that I was struggling with a broken heart. While we were talking about the details and the thoughts that had been going through my head and heart over the past few months, he asked me what I thought it looked like to "rest in Jesus." That question stopped me in my tracks for a few moments and eventually I told him that I had no idea what that actually looked like...

My dream is to be a wife and a mama; more than anything else in this world, I desire to be these two things. Yes, it was a "dream come true" to be accepted into medical school three years ago and I am loving what I do and look forward to serving the Lord and His kingdom through my career. But if you were to ask me what I wish for more than anything, I'd tell you that I want to be a godly wife for my husband and a loving mama for my children. At 25 years old, I'm the eldest of four girls and the only single one left. My sister Meredith married her high school sweetheart two years ago this June and my sister Caroline will marry her man on May 21st. Allison is the youngest and although she is not engaged, she does have a sweet boyfriend whom she's dated for at least a year now. I know that it's a Southern thing to marry young and that being 25 and single does not make me an "old maid." But it feels like that at times, especially when my heart's desire is to be married and eventually have children. (As a joke, I recently bought a magnet when visiting Meredith in NYC that says, 'I'm just one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.')

Unfortunately, I find it hard to rest in Jesus concerning this particular area of my life. I have been hurt through past relationships and have had my fair share of heartache, and this past go-around was the most painful of all. I struggled for a few months afterward and asked God a lot of hard questions. Thankfully and only by His grace, I was able to pick up the pieces and move forward trusting in His strength, provision and plans for my life. But as well as I think I'm doing, I still catch myself (more frequently than I'd like to admit) doubting that His plans are best and doubting that He's working this particular area of my life out for my greatest good.

To rest means to be at peace. Jesus said in John 14:27, "Peace I leave you, My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." One of my favorite passages in the bible is Philippians 4:6-7:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, 

through prayer and petition and with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I can quote Philippians 4:6-7 without batting an eyelash; I've run to that passage so many times in my life that I know it by heart. But no matter how many times I repeat those verses to myself, there are times when my heart just doesn't want to believe and refuses to be at peace. There are times when I just have absolutely no idea how to rest in Jesus and I start to worry over future circumstances that I have not one iota of control over. 

In His infinite wisdom and perfect timing, God has ordained that my bible study for the past few weeks would study the book of Ruth. The story of Boaz and Ruth is extremely encouraging for anyone who frets over whether or not God has His hand in the little details of life. I've been reminded through this book that God has a Divine plan for each and every single one of His children, and He is at work 24/7 bringing those plans to fruition. I've also learned over the past few weeks that trusting in and resting in Him is NOT dependent upon my strength! It's dependent upon Him (AMEN)! His peace is the peace that transcends all understanding! My bible study leader told me this week that you know you're at the center of God's will when you find yourself in a situation in which you know you'd flounder if not for Him. Well let me tell you brothers and sisters, I was there (and still am, I guess) with this whole heartbreak thing last year. And I find much comfort in knowing that I'm at the center of His will right now - it's the safest place for a believer to be.

Thanks to the sin in my heart, I do not rest in Jesus by default. I have to choose to rest in Him moment by moment. When fears rear their ugly heads in my heart and I am tempted to doubt His goodness, I struggle against the unbelief in my heart and cry out to Jesus just as the father of the little boy did in Mark 9:24, "I believe; help my unbelief!" But I have determined to follow His will and His guidance in my life no matter the cost, even if it costs me the dreams that I think are best for myself and even if it means facing trials and suffering. I know that our God is a God of grace and mercy and love and generosity and I know that He longs to be gracious to me (Isaiah 30:18). I know that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). And I know that His plans are best and too incredible for my finite heart to even imagine. Whenever I am tempted to doubt His goodness, I need to read Isaiah 55. How amazing is our God to reveal answers to our questions in His scripture when we look? 

"Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; 

and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost!

Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor

on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to Me and eat what is good, 

and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to Me, listen that you might live. 

I will make an everlasting covenant with you, 

My faithful love promised to David[...]

'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, 

neither are My ways your ways', declares the Lord.

'As the Heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are My ways higher than your ways

and My thoughts than your thoughts[...]

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills will burst forth in song before you, 

and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 

Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, 

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. 

This will be for the Lord's renown, 

for an everlasting sign that will endure forever."

The details of my future are uncertain to me. I pray that one day I'll be a bride and walk down the aisle toward my godly and loving husband, and I pray that one day I'll hold my son or daughter in my arms and be privileged enough to raise them up to be devoted followers of and warriors for Christ. But even if those days never come, even if those are not the plans my Lord has for my life, I will strive to rest in Him and to find peace in His holy and perfect will. Oswald Chambers once said that "faith never knows where it is being led but it knows and loves the One who is leading." Amen! The same God who spoke to Moses as a burning bush and who parted the Red Sea for the Israelites and who fed 5000 people with just five loaves of bread and some fish and who worked in the small details of the lives of Boaz and Ruth to bring about a line of ancestors that led to the coming of my Jesus - this is the God who works in my life! The same God who calmed the wind and the waves on the Sea of Galilee and who raised the dead and healed the hopelessly sick and who died on a hill for me is the same God who loves ME and who highly favors me and who is working behind the scenes to guide me and to bless me! My prayer is that I would be still more often - that I'd be deliberate to find time daily to sit quietly before the Lord and to just listen to what He's speaking to my heart, and to know that He is my God and most worthy of praise, AMEN!